Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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