the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize