I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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