Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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