Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
