Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize