The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
