dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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