but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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