please come you make the beer taste better
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
