Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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