The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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