I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
