its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Vodka?
Forever.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
