I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
