I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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