You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
