now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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