Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
