I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
