remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
