fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
