I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
