Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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