The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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