Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
