if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
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