my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
