I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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