I look better un-naked...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize