this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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