I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
