I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
