Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
