I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
