She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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