I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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