I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
