how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
the day after is always just damage control
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
