I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
