Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
