Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
