Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
