literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
