i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
