maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
