You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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