I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
