I want you more than these girls want KFC
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
