sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
