Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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