yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
