girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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