It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
