my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
