Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
