So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
