why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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