Will you blow on my dice?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
